In a tense conversation, silence can feel like losing. Someone makes a demand, and we rush to explain why it is unreasonable. We fill the gap with evidence, arguments and concessions. But what if the most useful move is to ask a question—and then stop talking?
Negotiators often focus on the words they need to say. They prepare their opening offer, their arguments and their response to objections. They may spend less time preparing to listen. That is a mistake because the first explanation offered by the other side is not always the whole story.
A supplier tells you the price cannot be reduced. You can immediately argue that a competitor is cheaper. Or you can ask: “What is driving the price?” The answer might reveal rising material costs, a tight delivery schedule, a low-volume order or a genuine limit on flexibility. Each explanation points towards a different conversation.
Perhaps the price is fixed, but the order size is not. Perhaps delivery can be delayed. Perhaps a longer commitment would make a discount possible. Or perhaps the supplier really cannot move. Asking does not guarantee a better deal; it gives you better information on which to make a decision.
The distinction matters in personal relationships too. “You never help me” invites a defence. “What makes this difficult for you?” may uncover a problem neither person has properly described. The question is not a trick. It is an attempt to understand what is happening beneath the accusation.
But listening is not passive, and silence is not a magic technique. A person can listen carefully and still be manipulated. A question can sound patronising if it is asked only to lead someone towards the answer you want. Genuine listening requires a willingness to have your own assumptions corrected.
There is also a practical discipline involved: do not interrupt the answer simply because you have spotted a chance to make your next point. Let the other person finish. Summarise what you heard, and check whether you understood it correctly. You may discover that the disagreement is smaller—or more fundamental—than you first thought.
The person who speaks less does not automatically have more power. The person who learns more before committing may have a better chance of using their power wisely.
This is one of the practical themes explored in *Marta Skarbek’s This is Negotiation*: communication is not merely the delivery of a persuasive argument. It is also how we uncover the information that makes a useful agreement possible.
Think about the last disagreement you had. Did you listen to understand the other person’s position, or were you mainly waiting for your turn to speak?
Read more about the book: https://www.amazon.com/Marta-Skarbeks-This-Negotiation-negotiator/dp/B0D7VXFV7S
#Negotiation, #ActiveListening, #CommunicationSkills, #EmotionalIntelligence, #Leadership, #Persuasion, #Relationships, #ConflictResolution, #Listening, #MartaSkarbek
Want more like this?
Get an occasional email when there’s something new worth reading. No spam, unsubscribe anytime.
By subscribing you agree to receive occasional emails about new releases. Unsubscribe anytime by replying to any email.
